Over the Hump

This is my ninth New England winter. Snow is a fact of life and driving in it is something one becomes accustomed to, like it or not. I’m a good driver in the snow. A good driver, period, but especially in the snow. I’ve pissed off many a Mainah, I’m sure, over my tendency to drive like a grandma on downers, but I don’t care. If you don’t like it, pass my slow ass. And most do.

Ever since our accident just over three weeks ago, however, I’ve completely lost my mojo in the snow. My confidence in myself and my car has plummeted to almost nothing. Last night I drove home in the middle of yet another snow storm and I was terrified the entire time. As in, clenched teeth and fists. My jaw still hurts, no joke. Once we made it safely home (after another near accident), it took me almost an hour to calm myself down. Then I started panicking over the next morning’s commute. I’ve never done that before. So this morning Brian drove us down. And I had what is probably the closest to a full-fledged panic attack I’ve ever had. I cried and almost threw up in my lap.

We have new tires now. I hope this is what it takes to help me get past the mental roadblock I created for myself. I am a good driver in the snow. Our car is a good car in the snow. Repeat 100x.

Always on my Mind

The plan was to go to bed at 8, but then I discovered Predator on AMC and oh how I love Predator. Along with Deep Blue Sea, it’s one of those movies that almost never fails to suck me in.

Here’s the thing:

- I spent all day wondering if Brian was going to lose his job today and the wondering has exhausted the pants right off of me. We would have  figured it out if he had- we always do- but thankfully he did not. His company is undergoing major organizational upheaval, but his little department has survived to fight another day.

- Clomid sucks. I sincerely hope this is the last time I have to take it, meaning I sincerely hope egg and sperm finally get their shit together and do what they’re supposed to.

- Soft tacos with lots of cheese and lots of sour cream are pretty much the best things ever.

- I am very good at my job, but today I was a space cadet about 75% of the time. I have no regrets.

- This morning there was no hot water for my shower, just lukewarm water and then not-warm-in-the-slightest water. I mentioned this last time, but cold showers are hell. COLD SHOWERS ARE HELL. Our furnace is working (it was actually the oil tank safety cord thingamabob that broke), but I think it’s time we upgraded and got a separate hot water tank.

- Bitching about my cold shower when millions of people in Haiti (not to mention around the world, and oh- right here in the good ol’ USofA) don’t have water period makes me feel shitty. FirstWorld problems and all. But I still stand firm on the opinion that cold showers are hell. 

- One of our dreams is to own a little camp on a lake. Last weekend, I found the camp. Well, as much as the camp can be determined from half a dozen pictures and two paragraphs. I can’t stop thinking about this place. The scary thing is that it’s not completely out of reach, but it’s not the smartest move for us to make at this point. Someday, though…

Light my Fire

The furnace decided to crap out last night. Perfect timing, really. The weather was in the single digits last night and now it’s still only 7° at 8 am. Not only is there no heat, but there is also no hot water as our furnace and water tank are the same. Or something like that. We don’t have a separate water tank. So no showers! Here’s where I tell you that I didn’t wash my hair yesterday. Two days in a row of not washing my hair means I can’t do anything with other than a fugly ponytail (it’s still short, but just long enough to pull back).

Oh. And my period kicked into high gear yesterday too (CD 31), so not being able to take a shower this morning makes me REALLY HAPPY. I can’t take a cold one, I just can’t. I did that when we lost power last winter and it was hellish. So I had to give myself a whore’s bath. Good times. I feel pretty…oh so pretty…

The only thing saving me from a meltdown is that the power is still on, so we are able to use our space heater. And turn on the lights. Oh, and make coffee. Having no heat and no power in the middle of winter is so horrible, so I am counting my blessings even if I am once again questioning my status as a homeowner.

I’m so cold and I can’t stop blowing my nose. I hope the oil man gets here soon.

Happy Bubble Bath Day

1. I’m a Coke girl, but damn that Throwback Pepsi- made with real sugar- is most delicious.

2. It’s one thing to know something, but it’s another thing entirely to know know it. Know what I mean? Maybe I don’t either. Anyway. I got a great email today. Gentle words that both lifted me up and smacked me upside the head with common sense. Gotta love friends who will give it to you straight.

3. Sometimes I wish I still worked in a bookstore.

4. I bought this Moleskine notebook for myself the day before Christmas and it’s pretty much the best thing ever. While it is helpful for some work-related stuff, I am using it mostly for personal organization. Let me tell you something: it is FUN to use this. There are stickers! Tabs! Pockets! Some of my lofty goals are to track every book I read and every meal out in a restaurant I eat (humor me). I have been writing in it every day, whether it’s to jot down notes about an article I skimmed and want to read in full later or sketch out a garden plan.

5. Tomorrow is Balloon Ascension Day. What, you didn’t know that? Sheesh.

One is Silver and the Other Gold

I’m gonna talk about my period for just a minute. My last two cycles were long, 36 days and 46 days respectively. Today is CD 27 and this afternoon when I went to bathroom, there was pinkish blood when I wiped. Tonight it’s changed to a more rusty color. I usually spot for a few days before my period, but this is early as I tend to start around CD 31-33. As I sit here, I feel slight cramping. I’m more than a little fed up with the signals my body is throwing. Why wasn’t I blessed with a rigid 28-day cycle, dammit?

One of my best friends offered herself up as a surrogate tonight. My first reaction was to laugh (inwardly!) because it’s so absurd- surrogacy is just not in the realm of anything imaginable- but the intention was so absolutely heartfelt and sincere that it made me cry. Then she sent me links to IVF clinics in Mexico. THAT I laughed out loud at. I love my friends and their utmost faith that everything will work out.

It’s 9:30. Time for bed.

Making a List

My friend Catie just wrote about her intentions for the year. Intentions. I like that. One of them is to plan monthly getaways with her husband and that reminded me of something Brian and I attempted a couple of years ago. We decided to do something new every month, whether it be visiting a place we hadn’t yet been to or trying out a new restaurant. For the most part, we did well with the challenge and so I want to do that again this year.

What is on my list (so far):

1. Canoe the Scarborough Marsh. Flatwater canoeing, which is good, and we can go out on our own or take a guided tour. There are even sunset and moonlight tours. I haven’t been in a canoe in over 20 years, but as long as there are no rapids in the marsh, I think I will be just fine.

2. This one I’m really looking forward to: Sabbathday Lake Shaker Village. I’ve been meaning to visit it for years, so it’s finally time to make good on my intention.

3. I want to spend a long weekend at Frost Pond in one of their little cabins. What a great Maine adventure, right? No cell phones, no television, no distractions other than the loons and falling stars in the night sky. Each cabin comes with a canoe, so more canoeing adventures can be had.

4. There are over 60 lighthouses in this state. We’ve been to- or seen- maybe fifteen or so and we want to see some more.

5. Last year I read an article about Plimoth Plantation inMA and decided it’s a place I definitely have to see; I’m a sucker for hands-on history museums.

There is much in New England that we have yet to see. I haven’t been north of Orono (which is just north of Bangor) or to southern Vermont. New Hamsphire has some spots we want to check out as well. Western MA and the Cape are still unknowns and RI and CT need to be  explored in greater depth. We don’t know how long we are going to stay here (ah, to move or not to move, that is the question), so I need to stop sitting on my ass and get out and see what I can see.

Personal challenges include knitting this scarf, which means learning how to knit cables, and mastering the purl stitch (I’m close, but need more practice). I also plan on taking at least one art class at MECA.

Will all of this happen? I’m not gonna make any promises, but I will say that writing this out, and seeing just what this year can have in store for us should we go for it, makes me happy. I spent a lot of last year in some sort of grumpy, depressed fog and my body felt like it was at the end of its rope. As corny as this sounds, this is the year I  get my true self back.  Only good things can happen from that, I think.

Accentuate the Positive

It’s been snowing since Thursday. Lightly for the first couple of days, enough to drop a few new inches, but not so much that it’s been hard to keep up with the shoveling. This morning, however, the wind has picked up and the snow is falling harder. A nor’easter is coming to town and we could end up with a lot more snow. Some places are expecting more than two feet. Not us, thankfully. We might get a foot or so. So I’m sitting on the couch and watching the beautiful snow from the comfort and safety of my home, which is how I enjoy the snow the most. Inside and warm.

Brian and I rang in the new year gently and soberly, and by soberly I mean just that. Sober. I had plans for a Bacchanalia but in the end decided not to uncork the Rosé Cuvée. Maybe tonight? Instead, we made a delicious meal, listened to Sinatra and read books. Exciting, yes? It was good enough for us.

I have high hopes for the new year. There is a lot to accomplish and while not all of it will be easy, I am up for the challenge. No more sleep-walking for me. I have the ability to make myself happier and healthier, dammit. No more excuses.

Is it 2010 yet?

I’m still too shaky to write more than this: I lost control of the car tonight in an unexpected snow storm and Brian and I ended up in a deep ditch about a foot away from the treeline on a rural back country road. Thank God I kept my cool. Thank God I didn’t hit anyone else. Thank God we are both okay. Thank God we didn’t roll over and we didn’t hit the trees. Thank God the car seemed to be fine once it was towed out (here’s where I mention we just paid that fucker off). Thank God I managed to drive the rest of way home (after sitting in the back of an ambulance and talking with policemen and firemen for about 30 minutes) in one piece, even when we slid around some more. THANK YOU BABY JESUS EVEN THOUGH I AM ABOUT AS HEATHEN AS THEY COME.

I…really, I just can’t wait for this year to be over. I’m just so thankful tonight was a best case scenario. I’m terrified to go back out in the snow now, afraid that our car just isn’t up for it, but that car has gotten us through many, many snows and it will be okay. We will be okay.

And you know what the topper is? Do you? Once I got back behind the wheel and settled into my 15 mph groove, I actually ran over some sort of animal. Because, you know, I wasn’t traumatised enough.

I think I am going to take some pain meds (from throwing my back out two weeks ago. oh yes, this month keeps on giving) and go to bed.

Merry and Bright

Last week was a week, know what I mean? It started with a dead car (dead battery), continued with a fierce snowstorm, and ended- FINALLY- with my damn period.

CD 46 turned into CD 1. While I was standing in the shower Friday morning, I made the decision to postpone  Clomid/Ovidrel until next month. I don’t want to the spend the week before Christmas taking medication that will turn me into a hormonal mess the week of Christmas. I don’t want to go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on Christmas Eve. Christmas is hard enough for me this year and there’s no point in making it any harder. I’m a little sad, as it’s one more delay, but it’s for the best.

Last night Brian and I went to a Christmas party and I finally got to meet some of his good friends from high school he has reconnected with. We had so much fun; his friends are hilarious and we spend most of the night laughing our asses off. Lots and lots of drinks and delicious foods and laughs and hugs later, we all agreed this needs to happen more often. More than one person whispered in my ear that they were so happy to see Brian so happy. I whispered back, me too.

It’s snowing right now. So pretty.

Wrong Turn

Oh, hello CD 41. Forgive me when I say it’s not nice to see you. My last period started on CD 37 and this one? Other than the occasional cramp, there is no sign of it. Not even a tinge of pink. I thought it might finally start yesterday, but nothing came other than some snow. So now I’m just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I’ve been waiting since June to start (my fifth round of) Clomid/Ovidrel, but I can’t start that until I start my period.

It’s your lucky day. I just wrote a massive whine about the toll infertility has taken on my marriage, my body, my heart but decided some things are better left unsaid. All I will say is this: I still remember the first time Brian and I had sex once we decided to get me pregnant, how giggly and nervous and excited we were. 31 months later, we are no longer giggling.