Oh, hey! Let’s do an update of my last post, shall we?

- Pulled an A in stats: final project went well for the most part, but no one will ever accuse me of being a slick public speaker. Thankfully my earlier work made up for my less-than-stellar talk.

- Had an excellent Floridian adventure. Swam in the open ocean for the first time since I was 18 and in Hawaii and I loved every. damn. second. of it. I only freaked out about sharks a little. I don’t remember getting drunk, but I do remember laughing my ass off a lot and eating some damn fine food.

These days I am back in school after taking the summer off. I’m in two classes this semester, two work-intensive classes that are super tough but very good. I have my “oh fuck why am I doing this again” moments, but overall I am convinced I am on the right path.

I started talk therapy for the first time last month. It’s been an intense experience.

The only babies around these here parts are Nestle and Noodle, two five-month-old kittens that we impulsively adopted last weekend and who came home today. Earlier I was 100% regretting this move, but now I’m down to maybe 55%. Nellie cat is not at all amused either. We all need some time.

Anyway, there’s some other stuff going on but I’m just dipping my toes back in the water right now.

Stand Back

Tonight I spent way more time than I am comfortable admitting searching for a pen that was actually in my mouth the whole time. Nice. Then Brian spent way more time than he is probably comfortable admitting getting all worked up over a hockey game that was actually a rerun of a game from two nights ago. When we are off, we are OFF. I don’t know if that’s hilarious or just really sad.

Hi! I thought I was gone too, but here I am. Now that Catie is writing again, I thought I’d dip my toes back in the water too.  Because I am a follower.

Listen, do not expect much right now. I have Things going on. My first semester of graduate school is winding down (three weeks left) and I am doing my level best not to completely lose my cool over this last paper and group project. Next week I am off to Florida for a weekend of female bonding and drunken shenanigans. I will be wearing a swimsuit in public for the first time since the summer of 1990, so emphasis on the drunk part. I mean, I will be loaded.

Miles to Go

Hello 2011! Please don’t suck. Pretty please?

I had such high hopes for 2010, I really did. However, while there were bright spots scattered throughout the year, nothing panned out the way I thought it would. Above all else, this was the year I was finally going to become a mother after three long, agonizing years of trying. No dice. All of the pills, shots and surgeries were for naught. Barring a miracle (my primary cause of infertility is tubal disease, meaning my inner works are shot), the only way I can become a mother is via IVF or adoption. For a whole host of reasons, neither option is happening in the near future. Or in the far away future, for that matter. It’s been heartbreaking to come to terms with this. I’m still not there, to be honest. It’s an ongoing process with many ups and downs. My marriage, my self-esteem, my confidence in myself and my body…everything has been affected by infertility. I’ve been wracked with envy/jealousy over others’ babies, IVFs, adoptions. Throw some general life discontent into the mix (what am I doing with my life? where do I want to go? what do I want to do?), and you’ve got me in meltdown mode for most of the year.

For so long, I’ve been living in a suspended state, putting other major life decisions on hold just in case the big It happened. I can’t do that any longer. I’m almost 39. I don’t want to spend the next year disconnected and grieving over what I don’t have; it’s time to plug back in and take care of what I’ve neglected. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m going back to school, which is a huge step forward. I want to tap back into my creative side. I want to get a handle on my health. I want to reconnect with the important people in my life. I want to be more gentle and forgiving with myself.

So here’s to a happier, healthier year. I’m ready for it.

Mercy Mild

Hi. The last time I wrote, I had just spent a gorgeous summer day on a little piece of rocky coast. Now I’m sitting in my cozy house wearing lots of layers, listening to Judy Garland croon “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and wondering how much snow we might get today.

I’m not sure how to sum up the last five months. I’m not sure I want to, really. There have been bright spots this year, but a lot of dark ones as well. What it boils down to is change. My attitude, my perspective, my actions, my direction all needed to change to make my marriage happier, my life happier, ME happier.

Now some British choir is singing carols (which is good because Judy was starting to grate) and I’m still in my pajamas even thought it’s after noon. There are ornaments to make, scarves to knit, a house to clean, clothes to wash and a husband to laugh with. What it boils down to is this: I am only as unhappy as I let myself be.  It takes much less energy to move forward than to flail around in one place.

Two if by Sea

Sometimes the only cure for the blues is a good view and some salt air.

Bailey Island

 We sat on the rocks and breathed in the ocean until I could feel my skin start to burn. It wasn’t nearly long enough.

The Atlantic

 

Que Sera Sera

I’m just going to ignore the fact that it’s been so long since my last (pitiful) update and just dive back in to this space.

A few things:

1. For starters, this camera was delivered to me today. YES. I haven’t taken many pictures this year. The battery in my current camera won’t charge any more; the Google tells me I can fix that with some paper clips and a double volt, but hell no am I messing around with paper clips and batteries. Are you serious? I can’t even take a step without hurting myself (see below), so the thought of jamming a piece of metal into a battery makes me laugh. ANYWAY. Yes, I can- and probably will- buy a new battery, but I was ready for an upgrade. I am already in love with my camera and I haven’t turned it on yet. Let the picture taking commence!

2. At a BBQ on Sunday (or actually, a Smoked Meat Extravaganza per the invite), I fell ass over tea kettle off of a deck. In front of a lot of people. Holy. Shit. I have not been so embarrassed in such a long time. People fall all the time, everywhere, I know that. But who the hell wants to be that person? My right foot is mangled, but I am no longer convinced it’s  broken. There is a painful knot and some bruising, slight swelling, but I am hobbling around much better today. When I broke my right leg by the ankle six years ago, my foot turned purple almost immediately and was even more colorful the next day, so the fact that hasn’t happened by now makes me feel better. Still. Owie.

3. Change. That’s the operative word around here lately. Lots of changes. New glasses, for one. Putting the house on the market is another. And pursuing a master’s degree. Trips requiring passports. Change both excites and scares the crap out of me. Fear of change has led me to self-sabotage in the past, but I am fighting that so hard right now. It’s not easy.

This month marks 10 years since I first started writing online (originally at Diaryland). I’ve never been the most prolific writer, nor the funniest, the most profound, the wittiest, and so on, but journaling online has altered my life in ways I never imagined and I’m not quite ready to give it up.

Green

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

Right now I can’t stop staring at that closed door. It will pass, I know, but in the meantime it is so hard. So. Hard.

Anything to make you smile

Thanks to Pandora, I’ve discovered new (to me) music that I can’t stop listening to. Specifically, this song by Band of Horses. Good God, but I love this so much.

I vacillate a lot these days… over moving, babies, careers. I think I settle on one course of action and then the other one sounds better. My emotions are sitting right at the surface lately, too. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m battling tears.  And the tears aren’t all sad either, which is funny. It’s nothing a week of sleep and extra doses of vitamins can’t heal, I’m sure. And maybe some drugs, to be honest. But still. It’s hard not to think about where I thought I’d be at this point in my life and what I thought I’d have and reconcile that with my reality. That said, there was a day I thought I’d never find someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with and I did. I hit the jackpot with Brian, especially considering I wanted to live in Maine long before I knew he existed and lo, here I am. Married to a Mainah. Things have a way of working out, right? Everything will work out.

Winter is coming to an end. January was a bear, but February has been extra mild. Thank you Baby Jesus. No complaining about no snow from me. There is much to look forward to: I am making plans to see one best friend in June and my other best friends in November. Really, I can say best friends PLURAL; I know I’m a lucky bitch. I am BLESSED with friendships. I’ve said it before, but sometimes I crave my friends so much it hurts. I wish we all lived closer to each other. WA, CA, OR, RI, NY, NJ, AZ, GA, TX all need to be closer.

This entry brought to you by cheap Chardonnay and Ketel with pom juice. If I puke tonight, I’m blaming you.

Fate, up against your will

So.

-  First, a computer virus knocked me out of commission and then I got hit with a physical one. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with labrynthitis and it has been one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life. As it’s viral, no antibiotics can touch it, and it can last for weeks. Months, even. Some people have had it for years. Thanks, Google, thanks ever so much for that last tidbit. My primary ailment is vertigo. It’s a nasty, horrid thing to experience on a daily basis, but I’ll take it over permanent hearing loss, which is another side effect. I already have crap hearing (deaf in one ear and partially deaf in another); I can’t afford to lose any more. However, things are getting better and I think I will be one of the lucky folk who recovers in a matter of weeks.

- Two weeks ago, my latest pregnancy test (after Clomid/Ovidrel) came back negative. I’ve decided to go with one more round of Clomid, my last, but I will wait until my next cycle. If that does not work, then the only option left for me in regards to treatment is IVF. So, this journey of mine is probably coming to an end. Oh, no set-in-stone decisions have been made but the writing is on the wall. This makes me sadder than I can say. Maybe I write more about this, maybe I don’t. Not everything needs to be shared, you know? I’ve learned that the hard way. I am already burdened with guilt over my failure to get pregnant (yeah, I know, but it’s still there), so to hear from others that I have not done/am not doing enough/the right thing/etc is too much.

In happier news, this past weekend we had our good friends in from NYC. There was a lot of drinking, A LOT (I was especially fond of the Belgian cherry ales at Ebenezer’s Pub, rated best beer bar in the country by Beer Advocate magazine). A lot of good food, much of it fried. And a lot of laughing too, which was just what I needed. I can’t wait to get together with them again this summer in NYC. Damn, I miss being around my friends. I crave them, know what I mean?

I am also craving seafood enchiladas from The Border Cafe . I think a road trip to Boston is in order.

Over the Hump

This is my ninth New England winter. Snow is a fact of life and driving in it is something one becomes accustomed to, like it or not. I’m a good driver in the snow. A good driver, period, but especially in the snow. I’ve pissed off many a Mainah, I’m sure, over my tendency to drive like a grandma on downers, but I don’t care. If you don’t like it, pass my slow ass. And most do.

Ever since our accident just over three weeks ago, however, I’ve completely lost my mojo in the snow. My confidence in myself and my car has plummeted to almost nothing. Last night I drove home in the middle of yet another snow storm and I was terrified the entire time. As in, clenched teeth and fists. My jaw still hurts, no joke. Once we made it safely home (after another near accident), it took me almost an hour to calm myself down. Then I started panicking over the next morning’s commute. I’ve never done that before. So this morning Brian drove us down. And I had what is probably the closest to a full-fledged panic attack I’ve ever had. I cried and almost threw up in my lap.

We have new tires now. I hope this is what it takes to help me get past the mental roadblock I created for myself. I am a good driver in the snow. Our car is a good car in the snow. Repeat 100x.