Miles to Go

Hello 2011! Please don’t suck. Pretty please?

I had such high hopes for 2010, I really did. However, while there were bright spots scattered throughout the year, nothing panned out the way I thought it would. Above all else, this was the year I was finally going to become a mother after three long, agonizing years of trying. No dice. All of the pills, shots and surgeries were for naught. Barring a miracle (my primary cause of infertility is tubal disease, meaning my inner works are shot), the only way I can become a mother is via IVF or adoption. For a whole host of reasons, neither option is happening in the near future. Or in the far away future, for that matter. It’s been heartbreaking to come to terms with this. I’m still not there, to be honest. It’s an ongoing process with many ups and downs. My marriage, my self-esteem, my confidence in myself and my body…everything has been affected by infertility. I’ve been wracked with envy/jealousy over others’ babies, IVFs, adoptions. Throw some general life discontent into the mix (what am I doing with my life? where do I want to go? what do I want to do?), and you’ve got me in meltdown mode for most of the year.

For so long, I’ve been living in a suspended state, putting other major life decisions on hold just in case the big It happened. I can’t do that any longer. I’m almost 39. I don’t want to spend the next year disconnected and grieving over what I don’t have; it’s time to plug back in and take care of what I’ve neglected. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m going back to school, which is a huge step forward. I want to tap back into my creative side. I want to get a handle on my health. I want to reconnect with the important people in my life. I want to be more gentle and forgiving with myself.

So here’s to a happier, healthier year. I’m ready for it.

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